Dracula by Bram Stoker
To be honest, I expected more. Bram Stoker set the stage for the aristocratic and suave vampire long before True Blood and Twilight so I really wanted to be hit with something outrageous and blood curdling with some subtext about sex.
But everything felt so clichéd that I could almost guess what happened before it happened. For example, the part where Helsing and friends are trying to work out why Lucy is dying of blood-loss and has puncture wounds on her neck is insanely long and dull because WE ALL KNOW IT’S A VAMPIRE since having spoilers revealed gets easier when the novel is over a hundred years old.
Also I didn’t appreciate being beaten over the head with the very obvious analogies; take the following for example:
As a human, Lucy is described to be as beautiful as she is a shining paragon of purity. But when she gets bitten by Dracula and becomes a vampire, her mannerisms are described to be overly sexual and she can only be cured by having something long and hard penetrate her heart and if that’s not the most obvious metaphor for sex then I’ve failed high school English.